Leah Farmer

Personal perspectives on faith, literature, and life.

31 Days of Self Love: Afraid

31 Days of Self Love

Day 15: What are you afraid to ask for? What do you need to speak up about? 

I’m stumped.

I can’t think of anything I need to ask for because I take care of my own shit. If it needs doing, I do it. I don’t ASK anyone for anything really.

And when it comes to speaking up, I’m also pretty damn good at that…much to the chagrin of my parents, some former pastors, bosses (past and current), boyfriends, etc.  I think they’d be thrilled if I’d just shut up instead of speaking up.

I guess the one thing I’m asking the universe for is some god damn help. I get pretty tired of making all the decisions and having to be strong in the face of other people’s silence. A person can grow weary of being the justice fighter in so many situations and I’m freaking tired of being the one who calls things out. I’m tired of being called out for having a strong voice, for challenging the status quo, for being the person who takes up the fight of others because someone needs to (not tired of DOING it…but being called out for it).

I do not believe I am always right. But what I won’t be is silent. So let’s discuss the hard things. That is what makes us leaders, lovers, friends, and humans together on this giant blueberry.

Recently I’ve been told I’m too passionate and not passionate enough. Too opinionated and not willing to take a position. Too emotional and not showing enough heart. Too far in the details and acting only strategically. Hold grudges too long and am too forgiving. And on any random Tuesday, that could all be true. 🙂

Perhaps what I need to do is just let things happen. Let them roll. And then just shrug in the face of the consequences. Stare blankly when others look for help. Shrug…my favorite gesture ever…when what is needed is action.

But no…instead I’m asking the Universe for some help. Help on the daily. Help in the big decisions. Help fighting inequities and bad behaviors. Help being myself despite the world saying be someone else. HELP!

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