Leah Farmer

Personal perspectives on faith, literature, and life.

31 Days of Self-Love: Biggest Problem Loving Myself

**I’m embarking on a journey. I’m good at journeys. I’ve been on them time and again during my life and certainly over the last 5 years I feel like I just cycle from one journey into the next. Sometimes they are personal. Sometimes they are professional. But always it’s a journey…with a path, without a guidebook, and along the way I usually learn something.**

31 Days of Self Love

Day 1: What is your biggest struggle with loving yourself? 

My biggest struggle with loving myself is all about belief. From a young age I didn’t believe I was lovable. I believed I was loved by a few people (namely my sisters and teachers). But I believed it was a fluke.

My belief that love was an obligation started early and in church. God loved us because he created us. Not because we were adorable and precious to him. But because he had to since it was his fault we were here. I also believed my parents loved me for much the same reason…because it was their fault I was here. I was an accident…a mistake…a difficult pregnancy. But here I was all the same…so I guess they have to love me.

Belief that love was an obligation made me want to ensure that no one ever felt obligated again. Ever.

Then I started hearing all the “You can’t find love from others until you love yourself” stuff that gets said to women in their 20s…particularly those who are single. And I thought “Ah ha! That’s why I’ve dated but never been in love. I don’t love myself.”

So I loved myself because I had to since it was my fault I was in this mess.

See where I’m going. Obligation. Always obligation.

Then a few years ago I started seeing myself through a different, kinder lens. What if I just loved the stuff that made me happy or joyful about myself? That worked for a bit…and taught me to love my generosity, my ability to listen without judgement, my quick whit, my mind for the work I do.

Slowly I was even able to appreciate and love the parts of me that can bring me pain and darkness. The parts that try to protect me from fear or hurt. The parts that show up in the hardest moments.

I choose to believe I am lovable. Some days I choose this every minute. Some days I wake up believing it. No obligation. No have to.

I am here. I am lovable. I am loved. And yes…I got myself into this mess. 🙂

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