Leah Farmer

Personal perspectives on faith, literature, and life.

31 Days of Self Love: Forgiving Myself

31 Days of Self Love

Day 6: What do you need to forgive yourself for? 

I need to forgive myself for running from Love.

Christopher. Jared. Michael.

In each case I loved deeply and was loved in return. And in each case and in some way, fear made me run. I ran when he came back because I was afraid of being hurt like that again. I ran when he struggled with old wounds because I didn’t know how to compete with old love. I ran because I wasn’t ready and didn’t even know I loved him until he was gone. My god how he loved me.

Today I extend myself forgiveness for the loss of each. Each man. Each opportunity. Each morning waking up with messy hair and smiles. Each touch. Each kiss. Each possibility.

I wouldn’t be the woman I am today without the love of each of these men. And I wouldn’t be the woman I am if I hadn’t run. I wish I’d known then what I know now…I can stand still and the fear can wash over me and run through my veins. And I won’t die. It will pass. And there will be rest and breath and relief.

I forgive myself for the hole that is left that each of them took up.

And I am thankful to myself for letting myself be loved so completely but 3 such wonderful men.

Next time, I will stand still through the love and fear.

 

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