Leah Farmer

Personal perspectives on faith, literature, and life.

31 Days of Self Love: Most Loving Thing

31 Days of Self Love

Day 16: What is the most loving thing you’ve ever done for yourself? 

A couple things come to mind when I ponder this question.

It was loving for me to walk away from Expedia without notice and without apology one day after 11 months of constant abuse from Wendy and Jo and lack of action from Fred.

It was loving for me to choose to take a huge risk and move to Europe so that I would discover that my fears don’t get to have the loudest voice.

Over the years, it has been loving for me to seek and find the best counselors and therapists to help me work through my trauma and bullshit. Stan, Janeen, and Ali have been lifesavers at different stages. Ali has walked me through the valley many times these last several years.

But the most loving thing I have done for myself is to remove myself from the toxicity of my family of origin. My mother and most of her children want nothing to do with me if they can’t control me and the narrative. So I let myself walk away. Quietly, without a scene.

First I walked away when I was 17 with a goal of finding independence so that I didn’t have to live in their house again. Later I lived life by my own rules which in and of itself was taken as a “walking away” because of my positions on church and faith. And finally, in the wake of my Dad’s death, there apparently was nothing left to say. So when she didn’t call and wouldn’t answer when I called 6 times, I gave myself permission to be done.

Quietly. Without fan fare. I chose myself. I walked away. And it has proven to be the hardest and most loving thing I have ever done for myself.

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