Leah Farmer

Personal perspectives on faith, literature, and life.

31 Days of Self Love: My Younger Self

31 Days of Self Love

Day 14: What would your younger self be proud of you for today? 

My younger self never imagined the life I’ve made for myself. She wanted out. Out of my parents house. Out of harms way. Out of the chaos. Out of the dysfunction. She had no idea how to want more than that.

She wanted an apartment of her own and a job that she could use to support herself. She wanted to move out and never look back. She wanted to be left alone with her own thoughts and have a place where she could say “If you are going to be in my house, you will follow my rules.”

She would be astonished at the life I’ve given her. The work has been hard and rewarding. Until recently I have always been respected for my hard work and she would be so proud of all that I’ve accomplished and how many people in my life have been grateful for what I could do to build things.

I have provided many beautiful homes for her over the years. Not the least of which is the sweet little house on Quail Ridge that I still own in Albuquerque. That little house was a needed nest for healing from all the old dirty wounds that flayed me open for so many years. I got over the worst of the hurt sitting in front of that kiva fireplace and having “church” with my girlfriends.

She would be fairly stunned that 3 decades later I uprooted myself and moved to places she’d only ever read about in books or seen in movies. Poor kids don’t just move to Europe. But as it turns out, poor kids who build a life and career for themselves, sure as hell do.

She would be proud of the men I’ve loved and the ones I’ve walked away from who didn’t love me. She would be proud that I have finally stopped chasing men that were a mystery to me…and a little mean. And finally started being open to love from men who were kind and good and wanted my company because of who I am.

She would be glad that I learned that you can have more than 1 best friend and that I have so many people who are my best friend. Including a best friend that has been my “person” for 22 years and a sister who has stuck by me when no one else in our family would. She would be glad that I still try to be a friend to others. And that I am trustworthy…unlike some of the people she grew up around.

My younger self has so much to be proud of. And so do I.

 

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