31 Days of Self Love
Day 26: What parts of yourself are you ashamed of? What does your shadow self look like?
What a dreadful question. Just being asked what I’m ashamed of makes me feel ashamed. Perhaps if I hadn’t done so much work to eradicate shame in my life this would be easier to answer but I have worked hard to make space for love and acceptance.
But…I am obviously avoiding the question, so…
My shadow self is pretty dark. She tends to behave like a trapped animal who is hellbent on survival. She grew up needing to find solutions to the ways that others treated her so she tends to watch people and at the slightest inclination of deceit, she shifts her perspective and becomes guarded.
She is temperamental and suspicious. She expects the worst and plans escape routes in every situation. She maps out how she will get herself out of nearly every possible issue and hates when things are so unknown that she can’t plan for the negative outcome.
In the face of all of this fear, she is snarky and uses her quit whit and giant vocabulary to cut people. She likes to know more about the other person than she has given away and will use crushing shame on herself if she gives someone too much power and information who turns out to be untrustworthy.
Having lived in fear and abandonment from the earliest ages and having dealt with physical abuse, she is hyper-vigilant and tends to run at the first sniff of pain. She knows that her light side is naive and trusting, and she will mentally abuse her for getting them into these situations.
Fortunately for everyone involved, the light walker side is stronger. I’ve done a great deal of work to keep the shadow at bay. She comes out when I’m scared or in physical or emotional danger. And even under her darkness is a vulnerable person who learned to self protect far too early. When I give her love, she stays calm. When I ignore her warnings, she comes at me with a vengeance.
I’ve learned so much from her and will continue to give her liberty to teach me new things.