Leah Farmer

Personal perspectives on faith, literature, and life.

Believe

There is a famous quote that is ascribed to CS Lewis that goes:

My religious upbringing has told me this.
My spiritual readings have told me this.
Life itself has told me this.

But only recently has this become my truth.

A lot of abused kids know how to turn inward and separate from the things happening to their bodies (Dissociative Disorder). But this is different. I’ve come to a new place. A place where my truth is more real to me. The truth of my spirit. The truth of my gifting. The truth of who I am…and who I am not.

I am not my body. I am the seat of awareness…the spirit…the consciousness inside my body.
I am not my past. I am all the moments of my life from birth until now…good/bad…hurtful/joyful…abusive/loving
I am not who other people say that I am. I am finding that more damage has been done by good, decent people telling me who I am than the damage done by those telling me who I am not or who I cannot be.
I am not who I used to be. I am who I am TODAY…and that may not be the person that my loved-ones liked yesterday or last year or 10 years ago. And that is okay.  They can love who I am today or they can choose to go.

Who I am is a person with a deep sense of herself. I KNOW who I am and I don’t need much external validation about who I am (And Thank God for that since I haven’t gotten much over the years!). I have a deep belief in honesty and transparency and have for years felt that we need to learn to be authentic and truthful. People act as if speaking their own truth might make someone in their life DIE or something. I say “Stop being so dramatic!” Some people may shake their heads and wonder if you’ve lost your mind…but they don’t die from having to deal with who I am. And I sure as hell don’t die from them finding out.

As a matter of fact the opposite happens.

Being genuine and speaking my truth…which includes the ability to say “I don’t know what I think about that” or “I don’t know if I still believe that” or “I hear you saying that is your truth, but it isn’t mine.” …weeds people out. Being myself has meant losing some friends and family. And Lord knows I miss some of them. But I would rather be without those people and honor myself than have folks in my life who can’t handle my doubts, my questions, and my certainty about the spiritual, the mystical, and the Divine.

The language I speak best today is gratitude. The feeling I identify most with today is peace. The thing that intrigues me most today is learning.  And with that comes the absolute freedom and reckless abandon to finally believe that:

A lot of us SAY they believe that. And a lot of us sure as hell don’t live like it. This has become  just another verse Christians quote when they are feeling low. I know this because when you BELIEVE it…the world opens up and there is room in it for people who are different from you to affect your thinking and you are confident enough to listen to those who are different from you. Things which are impossible with man are opened up and offered up to the God who cares enough to be Father, Mother, Friend, and Guide in the lives of those of us living for a brief moment on this planet.

When you begin to believe that With God All Things are Possible, all things become possible for the Spirit of God dwelling in you to do THROUGH you, WITH you, and FOR you.

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