Oh sure…I find peace in yoga, meditation, prayer, and reading. I love the life of an enlightened prophetess who is certain of her spiritual gifting of leadership and teaching from God. I have a prayer closet and prayer beads and prayer candles and a firm belief in “quiet time” and silence.
I read and read and read…and I espouse peace, freedom, mercy, and compassion.
I believe in the tangible blessings of God on all people. I believe that each of us is called to be an agent of grace no matter what our religious education or spiritual path. And I believe wholeheartedly that God…in all her/his glorious forms…has gone with me every single step, every hair, every mile, every word, every pound of this journey.
And still…I’m a fraud.
Because despite all that I know to be true about how to seek and find peace, one piece of bad news can throw me for a loop.
A leaky roof (this weekends extra special good news)
A diagnosis of cancer for the kindest man alive (he’s fine by the way)
A lost job (yup…I survived that too)
A cat with a little bit of a cold that I’m certain will be dying and I won’t be able to go on (What? I got back from vacation and Mal had gunky eyes so of course I’m certain he’s got leukemia or some other obscure kitty disease)
A hard conversation (How can something I do so often be so joy stealing?)
…and on and on and on…
We all have our triggers. Things that can bring fear front and center and make our minds careen off the cliff of sanity into a pit of fear, worry, doubt, and disaster.
Yesterday I found out I might need a new roof on my cute little cottage in New Mexico. By yesterday afternoon, I’d gone down the path of who I could ask to let me live with them when I’d lost it all. Sure…could a huge expense be my financial ruin? YES. Am I likely to need to live on the streets? Well…probably not this week.
If there is a REAL crisis, my calm nature kicks in and I’m all business and problem solver. People are impressed. Lives are transformed by my peaceful nature.
If there is an IMAGINED crisis, I’m Chicken Little and the sky is indeed falling!
With that being said…this needs saying
Thanks for giving me friends who talk me off ledges..specifically Jelisa, Linda, and Julie.
Thank you for hearing prayers from a girl who doesn’t believe in praying to you like you are Santa but in a pinch practically leaves out cookies at night in hopes of convincing you to take action on her behalf.
Thank you for knowing my heart…and for understanding that I’m angry and annoyed about the stupid leak.
And thank you for the confirmation of your presence when I claimed aloud this morning that I refuse to fall back to the religion of my childhood that would say that I’d somehow screwed things up and this was my punishment. I mean you and I both know I’m an excellent screw up and if you start dolling things out based on checks & balances, I’m in deep shit. But I will not believe you are out to get me…or that I’m the butt of your cosmic joke…or that you or your Father or the Spirit Lady takes pleasure for one moment in my fear or panic. Nope…Will. Not. Go. Back. There!
I love you for being you. And I love that you love me for being me.
And in my fear I will open my hands…again and again…every few minutes if necessary…and I will dig deep into the well of faith, even when I’m not sure if I’m sure.