Let’s face it, PTSD is hard. All the words are even hard…POST TRAUMATIC STRESS DISORDER. Those are seriously shitty words. Put them together and FEEL them, and they get even shittier.
But here is something different this time around in my life. Even though I’m struggling…even though I’m sad…even though my crying jags are totally unpredictable…even though depression hurts…this time around I started off from a healthier place. This time around I’m not only experiencing PTSD, but watching PTSD happen.
And today…in the midst of it all…some of the things I thought, felt, and said during this day with PTSD were extra ridiculous (and just a little funny).
- “God! This again!?” Why is showering so much harder when you are depressed? It’s as if suddenly even the amazing way hot water feel on your body goes against your very delicate need for complete lack of exposure, overwhelming touch, and sometimes even comfort. I’d honestly rather just not bother than you very much. Me…the girl who showers twice a day a lot of days…is just so annoyed by the mere sound of hot running water. My prevailing thought is…’THIS AGAIN!?'”
- “My hair is good even on a day like this. I don’t even look depressed.” Honest to God…I don’t even know what that means…but when I said it to myself I was annoyed and then I actually chuckled. Does Depressed-Leah want to LOOK depressed? Does any version of Leah ever really want to have a bad hair day?? No. Not possible. Nope.
- “Damn flowers looking so damn cheerful!” Seriously? Tulips are my favorite and as I walked to my car I couldn’t help but stop to take a picture and then as I walked away I mumbled that to myself. What the hell?
- “Those homeless people are still sleeping. Lucky bastards!” Me…aloud while driving to work staring at the homeless encampments near the I-5/I-90 Interchange. Me…the woman who’s greatest fear in life is being homeless…is jealous of anyone who is still asleep…even the people who sleep OUTSIDE!
- “Can’t I just be alone?” Fortunately this one I said only in my head. But honestly…when I person opts to go down 8 flights of stairs just to avoid a over full elevator, doesn’t it just seem reasonable that I wouldn’t have to share the stairwell? It doesn’t? Oh…hmmm. 😉
- “It would serve them all right to see my pink polka dot panties.” Now this one isn’t even close to logical. I came home and changed my long dressy tunic into an Avs sweatshirt to go to therapy. What I didn’t change were my leggings. As I walked to my car I had the thought that my choice of leggings my not be as thick or as cute as I thought now that I was wearing a shorter sweatshirt that didn’t totally cover my ass. And in true “wear your leggings as pants form” I actually thought the words “It would serve them right…”. Not sure who “them” is but really, isn’t it possible that in that moment I explained wearing tights and thinking they are leggings, pajamas at walmart, and every other female clothing faux paux? Like me…they may be in a depressive state. Or like me…maybe they didn’t look in the mirror.
Here’s what I know…sometimes your brain in crisis still does stuff that makes you laugh. And despite the amount of tears I’ve shed in the last 5 days, I’ll take every chuckle, giggle, or outright laugh I can get.