Sitting with Uncertainty
I’m doubting some decisions I’ve made recently. And let’s be honest. I ALWAYS doubt every decision I make for a few days after I make it. Then if it lingers, I know I’ve made a mistake. If it goes away, I know it was just fear. I’m not sure where this uncertainty is going to land yet..but we’ll see.
And yet…while I’m uncertain about some things, others are so crystal clear. I used to struggle on dates to know how to make a clean getaway if it wasn’t fun. I would sometimes lie. Sometimes stay longer than I wanted. But lately I know when something isn’t working and I’m able to just walk away from it. Clean. Because what is good for him, isn’t always good for me. And I know better than to try to force something that can’t be forced…and in myself that is love, affection, and desire. Once it’s done…it’s done. Tonight I was on a date that after an hour I didn’t want to be on anymore. So I said “Well…I’m going to be going now. I need to look for a book.”, stood up, and went on my merry way through the bookstore…without extending an invitation to follow me or join in. It was glorious glorious freedom. No lies. No need. Just walking away.
Wondering in a big box bookstore, I was reminded why I don’t shop here often. Too much “suggestion” and not enough discovery. I prefer to wander through the used books stores and happen upon something that smells…feels…looks good. Otherwise I think I prefer books just shipped to my door.