The Right Prayer
Nicole prayed for me to be present today and to just enjoy this Saturday. I was feeling angst about the holidays coming to an end and wanted to be free of that. The prayer was exactly what I needed and it so blessed my day! And my Saturday was just my Saturday…nothing more and nothing less.
I had a couple moments today on the massage table where I was between waking and sleeping…feeling warm and calm as well as slightly out of control of my body…that sliding into oblivion with a hint of consciousness that tells you to enjoy the feeling. What a wonderful way to feel. I do wonder…is that what sliding into eternity feels like?
A man mean-mugged me today in Whole Foods. He looked at me like my existence…and I can only assume because of my weight…bothered him. He stared at my body as I stared at him staring at my body and did not relent until I stopped moving and stared directly at him waiting for his eyes to lift to mine. When they finally did he was embarrassed and annoyed and I said “Can I help you?” which in turn made him face his wife, who’d been looking at wine this entire time. The thing is…he’ll do it again. This is who he is. He’s a guy who is disgusted by fat people. Anyway…I had this moment of devastation. Here I had gotten up early to go to the gym. Here I was in Whole Foods buying veggies and fruit for Smoothies so that I can improve the types of foods I’m eating. Here I was in workout clothes having come FROM A WORKOUT. And still…judgement. But…instead of staying devastated and heading for the chip aisle, I finished shopping, came home, did some yoga, and wrote a blog post about it. An honest, hard-to-put-on-paper, blog post about what it took for me to mentally get from that moment in the aisle to the moments on my mat. God help young people or anyone, who doesn’t have the self confidence I have built in my 38 years. God help them because some of them won’t recover. Some of them won’t forget his eyes. Some of them will want to die and will do it slowly…chip by chip and cookie by cookie…or use faster means in some cases. And God help that man (and others like him) who miss out on knowing glorious people simply because they don’t like the shape of their bodies. God help him. Mean-muggin me…instead of saying hello and having a crazy stranger conversation with me (which also happens a lot)…is your loss asshole.