Today a dear friend asked…
How are you feeling?
And I replied…
A mixture of loss and hope.
I’m starting this year more alone than ever,
more certain of who I am than ever,
and I’m trusting God to do something to change what needs changing in me,
and to bring me to a new place.
I read those words with the pain of knowing that I’ve lost so many relationships in the past year. Some I’ve lost because of bad decisions, guilt, or judgement. Some I’ve lost out of the human tendency to grow away from relationships that are stale. Some have been purposeful due to my keen desire to remove vampires from my life. And some have simply not been able to withstand my move to Denver.
And yet, I have also met some very delightful and dear people this year. In Albuquerque, in Denver, and elsewhere in my travels. I have been blessed with delightful new friendships (Adrienne, Tyler & Jocelyn), deeper friendships (Cara & Linda S), and changed friendships (too many to name).
Mostly I continue to feel adrift. Alone so much of the time. Maybe I am adrift because for the first time in my life I do not have the constant physical presence of another female in my life as friend, sister, & mother. I have no one to give those same identities back to. I’ve never thought of myself as a woman who needs other women…and yet…I am adrift.
I have a pretty strong theory about why I feel adrift…but for now I will just say…
This year I’ll not be making resolutions.
Instead I am going to strive to live each day for itself. I will take better care of my own heart and mind, and of the hearts and minds in my care. As often as possible, I will bring strong, positive energy to every situation and I will try to leave every person I encounter better off than when I first met them. I will try not to stumble into more relationships that drain me of my good nature and positivity. I will not allow anyone in my past, present, or future to define me. I will be who I am supposed to be and I will have courage, grace, and love on my side. I will be still…more often. I will wait…more quietly. I will stop apologizing for what I don’t know and be assured that what I do know can be of value to someone…perhaps many someones.
And I will trust myself.
I will trust myself when I warn myself not to go into stranger’s basements. I will trust myself when I tell myself not to listen to doubters and haters. I will trust myself when I send up a red flag that being friends with someone is dangerous and could be blood-suckingly bad. I will trust when my body says I need rest and provide it. I will trust when my heart says I need to cry and never make excuses or believe what the world says about weakness. I will trust my intuition when it says to write…poetry, prose, memoirs.
Finally, despite any fear, doubt, or uncertainty that may arise, I believe that God is still worthy of my trust…and I’ll move in that direction…come what may.