Leah Farmer

Personal perspectives on faith, literature, and life.

Rocking the Boat

“As uncomfortable as our life might be, as painful or even desperate at times, the life we’re living is the life we know, and we cling to the old rather than try something new. Most of us are so sick of ourselves, in one way or another. It’s unbelievable how tenaciously we cling to what we’ve prayed to be released from. … Lucifer was the most beautiful angel in Heaven before he fell. The ego is our self-love turned into self-hatred.”

Today I’m thinking of the ways that I am sick of myself. Sick of allowing my self-love to turn into self-hatred. I can think of several immediately…acts of violence against myself that I would never allow a friend to do to themselves. Things I’ve said. Things I’ve done or allowed to linger. Choices I’ve made in the name of self-preservation that have been in conflict with my true, divine nature.

I’m reminded that someone many years ago turned my beauty, vulnerability, desire to please, willingness to serve, and need for affection into something ugly. He turned it into something that he could use for his own pleasure and for my pain. I was a means to an end and the end was his gratification and my wounding. The stories abused children tell themselves are so difficult to unwind and reprogram. This is the ultimate in turning self-love (all the things that make me me…beauty, vulnerability, desire to please, willingness to serve, need for affection) into self-hatred (attempting to hide beauty with weight or plainness, hardness of heart, self-protection, distinct picky-ness over who I allow close.)

I’ve made a significant transition these last 5 or 6 years…but it isn’t easy. I can tell you from experience that when you begin to choose the things that are acts of self-love, some will turn away from you. The very people who you hope to win over by changing, will often be the ones who are uninterested in a changed you. We don’t like unpredictability…and even with a bad person we’d prefer them to be predictable to good.

What will I choose today…Joy or pain? Love or fear? Safety or risk? Will I be the best version of myself for others and for my own benefit? Or will I be unchanged in order to keep everyone quiet, comfortable, and in an unrocked boat?

Here’s to standing up in the row boat and dancing around a bit…it might make folks nervous and maybe even annoy them. But what’s the worst that can happen? They fall in and get a little wet!? No worries…I know how to swim. I’ll help you to shore! 🙂

No comments yet.

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *