On my worst nights, I lay in bed feeling like a single parent. Unable to sleep because I knew I didn’t have enough love in me to go around. God was the boundless love but for many people, God was the parent who had left. They still read about him in the Bible and sang about him in hymns. They still believed in his reality which made it harder to accept his apparent lack of interest in them.
When I felt responsible for the spiritual health of others, I remember feeling this burden some days. Especially as my dear friends struggled through the questions about God’s nature.
Why did God let this happen to me and my family?
Where is God in the midst of my pain?
How could God not do ANYTHING about this?
When will God show his/her face?
And the list goes on. My list. Their lists. Your list.
As has become my only answer to all things faith related…I don’t know. I don’t know the answers to their questions. Hell…I don’t know the answers to my own.
But somewhere deep…even on my darkest days, I feel the surrounding presence of something bigger. I don’t pretend anymore to have that all locked down in terms of who God is, how God works, and what sort of people-currency God deals in. But I know that I am neither stupid (as some who don’t believe would say) nor certain of how the mind of a Divine creator of universes works (as some on the far evangelical side of the house would insist we must be).
So in the meantime…I’ll bear the weight of the single parents that BBT mentions in the quote above but call to that Diving presence to take up it’s spot being in charge and working through the hard questions…both using me and speaking directly to the wounded.