Leah Farmer

Personal perspectives on faith, literature, and life.

No YOU shut up!!

I smashed the back bumper of my nephew’s brand new Explorer today. It was…as you can imagine…a total accident. When we pulled over to get out of our cars, look at damage, and talk, Zachary was…Zachary. He was kind, extended grace, and was warm. He hugged me and did not do anything at all to make me feel badly. As a matter of fact throughout the afternoon, each time I brought it up he repeated this behavior because it is his genuine nature.

And still…

Despite Zachary’s kindness and my knowing (a) that I can afford to fix it, (b) that it is just a bumper, (c) that such things don’t stand between me and Zach, and (d) that it was completely and utterly an accident…I drove home to Seattle on a sunny summer day clouded in a torrential shame storm.

What the hell?

My inner critic can be such a bitch!

I beat myself up over the course of the first hour or so of the drive using words like:

Careless…which I am not.

Stupid…which I most definitely am not.

photoAnd worst of all…unloveable…and to that one I say again “WHAT THE HELL??”

As I drove over the bridge from Oregon into Washington along the coast I saw the sign pointing to Cape Disappointment…and suddenly the other voice in my head…my courageous, feminine, divine, Spirit..said to the Critic, “OH FOR HEAVEN’S SAKE…SHUT UP!!!’

And that made me laugh. I managed to giggle for a few moments about the fact that even the roadsigns were willing to screw with me if I was willing to only see and hear the worst. Negativity will rise up to meet us on the road if we want to claim it.

But the good news is…so will laughter and love.

When it comes to the bumpers on the cars today, what’s done is done (and what’s done will get fixed). And guess what…not only does Zachary still love his favorite Aunt…I still love me. So yeah…SHUT UP! 😉

 

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