Leah Farmer

Personal perspectives on faith, literature, and life.

Filling the cracks

These past couple months have been heartbreaking.

Soulbreaking

Spiritbreaking

Mindbreaking

And I’ve held on. Sometimes lightly with a goal of losing my grip. Sometimes tightly in hopes of making a comeback. But I’ve held on.

Hell…I’m still holding on.

But fuck if it didn’t take courage to hang on with all these cracks and gaps and breaks in my spirit. You have to hold on with all your might when the pieces are tempted to break loose and fly away.

The only solution has been to fill the gaps as the happen. Caulk the breaks and piece the spirit back together bit by bit.

I’ve filled with rest. I’ve filled with activity. I’ve filled with books. I’ve filled with bad tv. I’ve filled with long hours of petting my favorite cats. I’ve filled with good wine, good coffee, and good chocolate.

But mostly I’ve had the repairs made by others. By those who have prayed over me. By those who have checked in on me. By those who haven’t treated my like I’m contagious because I’m honest about the state of my body and mind. By those who have made me laugh. By those who have shown up with wine or offered a walk or sat on my patio or brought me a meal or asked me to dinner. By those who are my providers…my massage therapist, my brain therapist, the acupuncturist, etc. By those who are my soul mates…the closest to me…my people. My tribe.

These people are break-fixing fools and can repair hairline cracks and giant chasms all with efficient and loving hearts. They come armed with grace, mercy, and compassion…things that have been in short supply during my days most recently.

And to each of them I say “Thank you” and to each of them I say “I’m ready when you need me.”

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