Monday, August 31st–Traveling from my home in Albuquerque to my home in Seattle
We are flying through some extraordinary clouds tonight between Albuquerque and Phoenix. The pilot took us above them to find smoother air. It was rough going for a bit there and now things are quiet as we try to find our way around the weather and the FAA decides if we have to re-route to another landing location to wait out the storms in Phoenix.
As I look out the window I see swirls of dark grey, white, and some very black clouds mixed together to form what looks like a fluffy but ragged mountain range in the distance.
As I watch, my breath catches as I realize that my heart feels like these clouds. I’m a swirl of deep disappointment, brokenness, resentment, joy, anger, hope and anticipation.
White Clouds
Grey Clouds
Black Clouds
I still feel residual pain from my last job and it mixes toxically with the uncertainty of this new job. There is always family stuff, personal stuff, relationship stuff, friend stuff. And then there are my dreams, my loves, my joys, my wins.
Loss and exuberance and hurt and love…it is all so damn complicated.
Lightening is in the clouds below me and it reminds me of the flares of my frustration. The words that flood out of me (even this morning with Kat over breakfast) that sound like ambivalence, self-righteousness, fear, and surrender. The lightening all around only emphasizes the storm…the weather. My words pouring out of me only emphasize the storm…my current weather.
I notice what looks like orange fire peaking through a hole in the clouds. I can see where the sun blazes through…even as I know it beats a mighty retreat out of the sky to leave us with the moon.
The Sun.
He is bright. He is strong. He is warm. He is unstoppable. He is unintimidated by even the fiercest looking clouds and storms.
He shines.
The Sun reminds me that above me the sky is still bright.
I’m reminded that love , grace, forgiveness…they have their place…they shine.
I’m reminded that even the fiercest storms…the ones who put me to the test…have never come close to putting out the sun that illuminates my soul.
I’m reminded that this is just another storm…easier that some and harder than others.
The clouds, the lightening, the Sun, and the quickly rising Moon each hold their space in the heavens. They don’t play small. They don’t hide. They take up the space allotted to them without fear, shame, or hesitation. They play. They rail. They are.
So too do I…I am reminded.