A friend reminded me today that my blog had been very quiet. So here is some noise for those of you who care…
Life out here on the fringe is quiet lately.
Well…I take that back. It’s very noisy in my head. So noisy that I haven’t been able to get the words out onto paper or blog. Some days I can barely line up words in a logical order and make sentences for conversation.
Lately that has been my world. Getting the right sentences out and into emails, conversations, documents, etc. ALL of this has been directed into work. And despite the amount of effort I pump into my work, I somehow still feel angst. I know that they like me. I know that they appreciate me. But I wonder from day-to-day if I’m making any kind of difference? I watch #1 and #2 keep going out into the world killing themselves to make relationships, close deals, and bring in $ and I think “Is what I’m doing helping?” But all I can do is continue to offer my best and hope that it is of value and benefit to others.
I’ve put some of my energy lately into trying to build friendships. I’ve abandoned a book club that wasn’t meeting or fulfilling any purpose. I’ve dumped a Vegan dinner club that was too full of chaos and drama (Things I hate for $500 Alex!?). I’ve joined a book club that is smaller and after 1 meeting feels more intimate and like the possibility of relationships exist. I continue to go to BSF and find that is a nice spot in my week though I am finding no one there who is interested in building friendships. I go to church…somehow alone in a crowd of 1500 people. Yet with all of that said…I am fortunate to have Greg, Tyler (and his family), and some friendly co-workers in my life filling the void that I have for relationship.
With my remaining energy I have been trying Yoga and walking. I know that in the past exercise has helped me fight the blahs and I’m tapping into that more and more as I feel a case of the blahs encroaching on my corner of the fringe. I like the motion and flow of Vinyasa Yoga. It is a workout. I sweat like crazy in those heated rooms. A practice that reminds me over and over to return to my thoughts and to focus on my body for that hour is a blessing to my noisy brain. When I do Yoga I feel strong. I feel flexible. And I feel like there is more to me than just a brain that must fire at rapid pace for work or a heart turned into the enrichment and encouragement of others. When I’m doing Yoga….I feel important…I feel visible to myself.
I’ve said it before…The life of a fringe-dweller is lonely. It is isolated and you are lucky if you have a few friends who understand your place in the world or who at least understand that you are a bit adrift…never quite fitting in…belonging to no one. But it is also a life that has a great deal of freedom. With the freedom of the fringe comes the right to disengage with other people’s negativity and their expectations. Also the freedom to let your voice be heard is less threatening because no one has any claim on who you are, what you say, or has to share in the consequences.
Every day I wonder what I’m doing in Denver. I wonder if I’m supposed to be at this job…live in this apartment…and have this life. I try to imagine new ways to engage with life and community…sometimes something manifests and sometimes it doesn’t.
The fringe has never so full of noisy doubts while so eerily quiet.
And the fringe has never been so rife with opportunity…