Playing Chicken with Jesus

I thought I’d drive out of the rain today…but I didn’t. Instead I drove IN the rain…every minute of 348 miles. Not one time did I turn off my wipers. Not for one moment was there a sun break. And I think I know why…

Jesus and I had a date on a stormy beach tonight.

Upon arriving at a quaint little hotel in coastal Oregon, I dumped my bags in my room and went over to have dinner in the resort restaurant. I sat alone at a table, facing a very dark sky over a very rough ocean. I drank red wine and at lentil soup and sourdough by candlelight. My head filled with thoughts of the weekend ahead…of being with family (which is both exciting and terrifying)…of things I feel I left undone at work that Amit, Chelsea, and Ramnath are having to deal with and how I can repay that…of my two best friends dealing with trouble and joy all at once…of a dear friend who is in the spot I was in a few years ago being forced out of a job she hates but afraid of what will happen.

As I took the last sip of my wine and wandered back through the chill and rain to my room, I knew that my next steps would be through my room and out over the grass to the steps that would lead me down to the water. I quickly donned a thick scarf, rolled up my pant legs, and zipped up my raincoat. As I stepped out into the storm I had to laugh at the fact that the rain pelting me was of little notice…yup…Seattle is wearing me down.

I walked about 200 yards out over grass and dunes to wet sand. The clouds were dark and thick but their nearness, back-lit by stars, kept the night from being pitch black. Tears instantly blended with the rain on my face. I slid the hood of the coat down, lifted my face up to the sky and said “Hello! I’m here. Did you want something Lord?”

The small voice said “Do you love me?”
My voice replied “Oh yes. If I didn’t, I’m pretty sure I’d disappear.”
The voice said “Then relax. Relax into me. BE with me.”

I obeyed and felt my body relax. Then I looked down and realized a wave was washing towards me. I laughed and stepped backwards to keep my shoes from getting wet. In the silence the waves grew even louder. I knew it was for me. I knew in my heart that God was turning up the volume to drown out my fears, doubts, and questions.

I dodged another wave…laughing as I wept. Then without any hesitation, I lifted my hands to the air. “Lord…I’m yours. I’ve always been. I’m not able to be who I once was…but I’m this girl. I hope that’s ok.”
The voice said “You are my child.”

This phrase…”you are my child”…is a familiar one between me and God. God has been giving me that word…that testimony…that blessings…since my earliest days. I remember those words in the lemon tree in Hondurus. I remember those words laying my bed in a room covered in super hero wall paper. I remember those words as I begged for deliverance from the scariest years of my life.

As I heard them again a name…THE name…escaped my lips.

“Jesus”
“Jesus”
“Jesus”

I dodged another wave…running backwards. Each time as the wave just missed me I inched forward to dare the next one to get me. Each time it came to the toes of my shoes and I stepped back away from it.

“Jesus”
“Come and get me Jesus” I teased.

As you would expect…IF you know Jesus…the next wave was BIG. I couldn’t have gotten away from it if I’d turned and run the other way.