Things are changing. A shift if brewing. What may seem unsettled to others is a long slow movement for me to a new place.
I’ve been in Seattle 3 months.
I have had some very low lows in Seattle and some very lovely days full of grace and gratitude. Thankfully because I have chosen to live gratefully each day, the scale has tipped towards the latter as the former fade.
I am definitely working through some deep stuff.
If you asked me I’d break the last 2 1/2 years up like this…
Jan 2010 to May 2010–Discontent
June 2010 to Jan 2011–Naked Fear
Feb 2011 to May 2011–Silent Waiting
June 2011 to June 2012–Solitude
July 2012 to present–Reconstruction
Given the previous segments, reconstruction sounds like a breeze right? But reconstruction is exactly what it sounds like.
It involves removing nails and screws…no matter how deeply they have been hammered in or how rusty they have become. It involves examining every part of the structure for dangerous materials. It involves checking every bit of brick, wood, adobe (yup, I’m a New Mexican) holding this structure together to ensure soundness and reliability. It means that if something is not in good working condition it will be retooled or replaced. And it means that sometimes you do everything you can to save an old part of the building materials because damaged though they might be, they are a part of your structure.
This is how I feel about my life in its current state. I am deeply examining so many of my long-held beliefs. I am reconsidering dreams that I’d long given up on. I am viewing life as a place of possibility rather than a foregone conclusion. I am filling in the old wounds from a life of invisibility, fear, and shame with courage, insight, intuition and faith. I am shedding old relationships and old memes that only tear me down and making room for new people, places, and thoughts that build me up.
None of this is easy.
All of it is work.
And it’s exhilarating.
Seattle is the right place to do this part of my work for three main reasons…
1. It is a city that belongs to ME. My family doesn’t live here. None of my friends live here (except new ones of course). No one else can claim history here that muddies it for me.
2. The rain. I think I needed the time that the rains in Seattle have and will afford me to shut down my need to go go go and allow me to turn inside. I also think that symbolically there is no where else (well…maybe London) where the work I’m doing could feel like it is being nourished by the rain that symbolizes cleansing and nourishment for a desert dweller like me.
3. Seattle is a city that has been reconstructed literally on top of itself after being devastated by a fire in 1889. Instead of just
rebuilding what they’d had before, the city took it as an opportunity to make improvements. The irony is that the Seattle I live in…with it’s completely insane streets and transportation system…is the improved version. I love that. The feeling of no rhyme or reason is indeed both rhyme and reason…planned quirkiness. Now that’s something I can do! 🙂
Writing ideas are beginning to flood back into my brain. Books are becoming of interest to me again. Maybe soon I will turn back to the pen (or keyboard as the case may be) and actually start producing some sustenance for others to consume. I’ll know more once the reconstruction is further along and the new home starts to take shape.
As always…stay tuned! 😉